One Cannot Live by the Parenting Plan Alone

It's enough to drive you to drink.

When I went through my divorce the toughest part of negotiating the split involved putting together a parenting plan that worked for both of us, and for our son. After much struggle we pulled together what we thought would work....until he turned 18. Boy were we way off base.

A year later his dad moved. Two years later we moved. And the re-negotiating began (with 2 lawyers present). Six long hours were spent in a room going through the proposed changes to said plan to come out with what we believed, again, to be a solid plan to work with until the kid was grown and out of our homes.

The reality soon set in that in order to do what is best for our son we often times have to negotiate a little bit more. There are birthday parties, and holidays, and school breaks, soccer trips and family vacations. And somewhere in between school, homework and friends.

Trust me, when we are angry with one another the negotiating doesn't go so well. We both like to say now - for lack of better terms - to piss the other person off. But when we are thinking straight and focused on B we make collective decisions about early pick-ups, switching days and juggling school, social and emotional needs.

I'm guessing that this will only continue to be more complicated as we enter middle school and high school and I sincerely hope that we can continue to keep our wits about us as we continue this work (yes, you might be divorce but you still co-parent....so I call it work) together.

Everybody's Ex is Crazy

Heard over a glass of wine with a friend the other night: "Isn't everyone's ex crazy?'.

We laughed. a LOT. Because it's true! Doesn't matter who you talk to, on which side...anyone on any side of a divorce thinks the other person is crazy.

It's an interesting persective. I think that no matter what those sitting on one side or the other have to think so in order to really feel ok about the fact that things just didn't work out.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all be adult enough to call it a day, say it didn't work (for whatever that reason is) and do our best to try to make things as smooth as possible from there on out? Especially if children are involved.

At some point you loved that person enough to walk down the aisle after all. Things didn't work out. It sucks. Life gets in the way, people change, people make mistakes. It happens. But does that have to translate in to 'clearly that person is crazy and I am totally sane'? It's funny isn't it? To stand back and look in without all the emotion attached.

I'm certainly no expert on the subject and wouldn't pretend for a minute that I don't fall in to the trap of 'ex-dom'. I have done the same. I'm sure he has as well.

Maybe, just maybe....we are ALL a little bit crazy. Life is just that way.

Graduation or Initiation?

Two of my three celebrated graduations over the past 2 weeks.

And so I prep one to leave elementary and one to start. And I wonder how time has gone so quickly. And I worry about a lot - and worry about them both.

I'm grateful that I've been given some amazing kids. I'm hopeful that they stay that way for a long long time. Is forever to much to ask?

The 5th grade ceremony at Bagley yesterday was especially well done. Each of the 4 teachers took time to talk about the unique qualities that each child had. One by one they stood up to take their praise and one by one their faces beamed.

I was impressed by the amount of talent that this group holds at such a young age and hope for each of them that they continue the life they are meant to lead. One little girl...is already an accomplished ballerina. Another a writer, another...a future scientist. The class clown, the athlete, the shy one, the intellectual one.

As Brayden stood to take his praise, his teacher began with the following: 'If you could buy stock in kids, I'd throw it all in on Brayden right now'. I've never felt more proud as a parent as I did at this moment. My baby boy is quickly becoming a man and for now...he's on the right track.

Wish both of them luck this next year. Graduation is over, initiation is about to begin.

A Dose of Perspective

Today I hold my little man a little bit tighter and give him one extra kiss.

I love my job. Every day - I really do. But with every job there's always some bad to go with the good.

I met a family recently who had lost their 3 year old son to cancer. They are beginning a Foundation in his name to raise money to support pediatric cancer research. They stated with such certainty that they planned to find a cure that no one in the room could believe anything but.

As they shared their son's story, I think my heart actually stopped beating for a moment and I had to catch my breath. It ached for them and I fought back tears. I cannot imagine what they have gone through and I marvel at the passion with which they choose to move on.

And so today I remember that I am so blessed. And today I hold my little man a little bit tigher and give him one extra kiss.

I hope that each time I get frustrated with him that I remember how lucky I am to have him. I hope that as hard as potty training can be that I keep my wits about me and remember that I can even be thankful for little wet drawers.

And I hope he knows how much I love him and how much he has changed my life. I hope I remember to tell him often how much he adds to our little family. I hope I remember his sweet giggle and how much he loves Thomas the Train. I hope I remember him jumping on our bed & screaming 'look at me mah-mah, look at me!'.

I hope I remember the first time he told me that he 'wuv'd' me and I hope to always hold his small sweet hand in mine.

Falling for the Five's

And forgetting our Four's

Four was rough with A. There were several moments over the stretch known fondly as 'freak-out-four's' that I poured out my troubled heart to friends as I poured wine into our glasses. My friends encouraged me to hang tight - that Five's were just around the bend...and promised me that Five's were a bit more fabulous.

The four's felt really really really long. Somehow life must be harder when you reach four because she behaved as if she was being torturned half the time. She was frustrated by most everything, she did most everything at a snail's pace, whining the entire way through. She refused to eat, didn't want to get dressed, didn't want to put on her shoes, didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't. You get the picture.

As much as you love your kids...you may like them a little less from time to time (and I say that with a big smile) when they are going through these 'phases'.

And just when we were at wit's end with all the shenanagin's...A turned 5 in January. I can't tell you how we anticipated that day! I think Josh and I thought it would we would magically see a metamorphosis from the little green monster to a well behaved princess...as soon as we hit the start of her 5th year - on the hour she was born.

Clearly there was no magic in site that very day....but I can say that in March we are on the right track. This week my sweet, loveable, listening, minding, helpful little girl returned. And now we are well on our way back to princessdom.

My sweet baby girl has returned! She's decided learning might be fun after all (phew - we were worried about school), she gets her self dressed in the morning, helps get her breakfast, takes her dishes to the sink, brushes her teeth when asked, cleans up her toys, she kisses and hugs and cuddles her mama and skips the whining and fits and reasons why she can't or won't altogether.

Phew. Welcome back my sweet girl. Just in the nick of time! Mama was about to lose her mind. I've missed you! I am so glad to be off track 4 & on track 5. (And to those who are reading along, please DO NOT ruin it for me. I just want to be in this happy place tonight).

My Funny Valentine

It's Mama Laura. And yup, it's another post about love. I just can't help it, the big red day full of hearts makes me reflective and mushy.

There are all kinds of love - and we love different people for different reasons as we move through life. When you add children to your life, you experience an all-together-amazing-didn't-know-it-existed kind of love.

Tonight I want to talk about that amazing love that comes with parenthood. Being a mama to these amazing little creatures is beyond describable at times. It fills you up like nothing else can, and can bring you to tears just as quickly and all to often.

B is gone this week with his dad for the break - and I MISS him quite a bit when he's not here. I can tell that his brother and sister miss him too - and I worry that as he grows older we'll see him less and less. His valentine gift and cards sit on the counter waiting for him to come home, another reminder that although he is a big part of our family - he's part of another one too. A reminder that we miss many moments during these days.

I digress, but that bit of sadness about the one not here is what sent me down this path tonight....

Being a parent is hard. It is work and it can be frustrating and challenging and trying and downright exhausting. But when you boil it down - it's worth every bit of effort. Just as quickly as they take you to the brink - they bring you right back.

I hope that I always remember how lucky I am to have been given these three beautiful kids. I hope I remember to cherish the time I have with them - time is fleeting and life offers no guarantees. I hope I continue to mentor them with patience and offer the best guidance possible.

I hope I remember the sight of those tiny fingers and toes the day they joined me on my journey, I hope I remember how good they smell coming out of a bath and how cute they are as they begin to learn and explore their world. I hope I remember the sweet smiles, the small kisses - the sound of their laughs. I hope that I get to watch them grow into amazing adults and watch them as they go off to make families of their own.

I hope that B knows that both families love every minute they have with him. I hope that no matter what we all love one another like crazy, even if life get's a little bit so.

ring, ring, ring, and (seriously?) ring

Is there a reasonable line that can be drawn between households that work hard to honor everyone's desire for a child to have active, present, participation from each parent while respecting the fact that the child does, actually, have 2 separate families? (...and they DO have 2 separate families...this is a reality of divorce.)

The very specific activity I want to consider are phone calls.

There has to be a balance between best interest of the child and reality. Phone calls happen for so many different reasons and are initiated, in our situation, by everyone. G's Mom calls, G may ask to call her Mom, we may instruct G to return a call to her Mom, we may invite G to call her Mom so her Mom can be a part of a parenting opportunity or share in an important (to a 1o year old) life event.

Yet there are times where the phone calls feel invasive to our family life and we struggle with the different treatment we receive when G is with her Mom.

What is reasonable? I honestly feel it is entirely reasonable for G to be given an opportunity to talk with the other parent at the end of the day and for the parent G is not with to respect G's "other" family time by having this be THE call each day. In addition, I think the parent G is with should use generous judgment when inviting G to call when there is a parenting opportunity or important life event. And, finally, I think requests from G to call the other parent should be accepted so long as the request is practical.

...can you believe it? I invoked the concept of practical when making a decision that affects a child. Practical does not mean that the decision being made is selfish. It means that the decision makes the most sense for everyone who would be touched by the decision. I feel that G's requests to place a call to her Mom outside of the evening call each day should be accepted when her request is practical.

How mean am I!?! But to give you a taste of reality - here are a few examples of some of the unpractical requests I feel were reasonable to deny:

• Dinner has just been served so her request is denied.


• G has gotten in trouble so her request is denied.


• G and her Mom have already spoken a few times throughout the day so her request is denied.


• We've just arrived home, groceries need to be lugged inside, 2 kids in carseats need to be escorted into the house and G will need to pitch in and help so her request is denied.

With every denial there is an internal wave of doubt and dilemma and the fear of "what if she tells her Mom we didn't let her call?" But if G had both parents in the home these are all instances where she would be expected to be attentive to the family members physically present or - in the case where she has gotten in trouble - she would not be given free reign to run to the other parent for an alternative "ruling" or gripe session about the situation.

It is up to each parent to define respectful boundaries that allow G to have uninterrupted family time in each household and, as hard as it may be, G's parents need to be generous with each other while maintaining a reasonable degree of separation between their family w G and their ex-spouse.

Doable?