ring, ring, ring, and (seriously?) ring

Is there a reasonable line that can be drawn between households that work hard to honor everyone's desire for a child to have active, present, participation from each parent while respecting the fact that the child does, actually, have 2 separate families? (...and they DO have 2 separate families...this is a reality of divorce.)

The very specific activity I want to consider are phone calls.

There has to be a balance between best interest of the child and reality. Phone calls happen for so many different reasons and are initiated, in our situation, by everyone. G's Mom calls, G may ask to call her Mom, we may instruct G to return a call to her Mom, we may invite G to call her Mom so her Mom can be a part of a parenting opportunity or share in an important (to a 1o year old) life event.

Yet there are times where the phone calls feel invasive to our family life and we struggle with the different treatment we receive when G is with her Mom.

What is reasonable? I honestly feel it is entirely reasonable for G to be given an opportunity to talk with the other parent at the end of the day and for the parent G is not with to respect G's "other" family time by having this be THE call each day. In addition, I think the parent G is with should use generous judgment when inviting G to call when there is a parenting opportunity or important life event. And, finally, I think requests from G to call the other parent should be accepted so long as the request is practical.

...can you believe it? I invoked the concept of practical when making a decision that affects a child. Practical does not mean that the decision being made is selfish. It means that the decision makes the most sense for everyone who would be touched by the decision. I feel that G's requests to place a call to her Mom outside of the evening call each day should be accepted when her request is practical.

How mean am I!?! But to give you a taste of reality - here are a few examples of some of the unpractical requests I feel were reasonable to deny:

• Dinner has just been served so her request is denied.


• G has gotten in trouble so her request is denied.


• G and her Mom have already spoken a few times throughout the day so her request is denied.


• We've just arrived home, groceries need to be lugged inside, 2 kids in carseats need to be escorted into the house and G will need to pitch in and help so her request is denied.

With every denial there is an internal wave of doubt and dilemma and the fear of "what if she tells her Mom we didn't let her call?" But if G had both parents in the home these are all instances where she would be expected to be attentive to the family members physically present or - in the case where she has gotten in trouble - she would not be given free reign to run to the other parent for an alternative "ruling" or gripe session about the situation.

It is up to each parent to define respectful boundaries that allow G to have uninterrupted family time in each household and, as hard as it may be, G's parents need to be generous with each other while maintaining a reasonable degree of separation between their family w G and their ex-spouse.

Doable?