In my situation, and from my perspective, there is no competition. Mama from scratch is always the bow and this stepmama will always aim to be the faithful stern.While we (the loving husband and myself) wrestle with the challenges of co-parenting with the other household there is absolutely no doubt in our minds that G's Mother is the absolute perfect Mom for her. Yet, with a switch of roles and life experiences I would have a hard time keeping the positive mantra of "she loves me most, she loves me most" running through my head.
One of the big struggles I've run into in all my readings and conversations is the title "Mom". I feel this (and the corresponding "Dad") are sacred. I could never invite G to consider calling me "Mom" because 1) I'm not her Mom - I am her stepmom who loves, cares and protects her just like a Mom but her Mom is her Mom is her Mom and I am not and 2) I've seen my husband catch his breath after G referred to her stepdad as "Dad" and that is a theft of identity I could never be a participant of.
When my husband and I got engaged G toyed with the idea on what she would call me. She played around with "Mom" a few times. She was feeling me out and I was being oh-so-accomodating in an effort to do things the right way. A candid conversation was finally had and it was decided that I am "Molly" and it felt like a relief to both of us.
The mundane of everyday life presents little hiccups on the title front in the most innocent ways. A grocery clerk praising G for being such a good helper to her Mom, a kid at school begging G to ask her Mom if a playdate can be arranged, a neighbor commenting that G must take after my side of the family in looks...I take G's lead in all this. If she goes with the flow so do I and if she looks like she wants to clarify I back her up.
"Daughter", on the other hand, is a title I freely brandish and I wonder if I'm a hypocrite. Would a Mom hearing me refer to her Daughter as my Daughter take issue? To me, the claim of Daughter implies my committment to G - should that be a problem? Hm.
Totally agree with referring to your step-daughter as your daughter. I do the same with my girls. I think to do anything less adds a qualifier to the relationship and would probably hurt the kids' feelings. I know my girls like it that I refer to all of them the same way I refer to my biological daughter.
ReplyDeleteBeing a step-parent can be a pretty thankless job at times (you put in a lot of work and frequently get very little credit), step-parents should at least be able to love all of their kids the same and refer to them the same way. :)
I love this! She is a lucky daughter indeed.
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